that creepy asian guy

Last week at work we had sexual harassment training, which is to say that we sat in a room for two hours to watch a few banal yet slightly humorous videos depicting inappropriate work conduct when we weren’t listening to our instructor uncomfortably field persistent questions from a creepy balding guy sporting a disheveled ponytail. (Don’t let the title of this post deceive you—this guy wasn’t Asian, he was white. I’d never seen him before and I hope I never do again. Don’t despair however, the creepy Asian guy comes later.)

During the awareness training palpable discomfort emanated from the men while the women could barely contain their scoffing. I must say that I felt sorry for the guys. I knew that most of them would never harass anyone, much less a woman. How do I know, you may wonder? Well, the same way I know that the guy sitting front and center, barking out correct answers like the teacher’s pet is a creep and should be avoided at all costs. You can call it “woman’s intuition” but that’s just a fancy term for female life experience. The fact is every woman experiences sexual harassment and any woman who says different belongs in the Guinness Book of World Records. Or rather, in Ripley’s Believe It or Not. It’s just a given and we all deal with it in our own way. Some ignore their harassers, others vent to their girlfriends and a few simply kick them in the balls. One thing’s for sure—considering the actual number of offenses almost no one reports it to HR. Thus, quite convinced that the class would not yield any new insight, I let my attention drift around the room. One of our account managers caught my eye. He sat slumped in his chair, pouting with his arms crossed over his chest. He only piped up once the entire session. (Some might think him shy, but I think he merely chose his moment.)

Instructor: What if Joe asked Susie out on a date and she said “no”? Is that sexual harassment?
Class: No.
Instructor: What if he asked her but she said “not tonight I have to wash my dog” and then he asked her again the next week? Is that sexual harassment?
Class: No?
Instructor: That’s right! Even though she is declining the invitation, she isn’t saying “no”. What if he asked her again after that? Would he be harassing her then?
(Silence)
Grumpy guy: No, but he’d be stupid.

Of course, the grumpy accounting guy is correct—on both accounts. We learned that if you never say “no” explicitly it can technically be considered innocent badgering (or as some call it, “romance”), not sexual harassment. So ladies, if you are unlucky enough to be wooed by a co-working dumbass you’ll just have to suppress that polite reflex and shoot him down fast, Ol’ Yeller-style.

Speaking of romance, it turns out that China could use a little sexual harassment awareness in a big way. According to the Commie Sexual Harassment Policy Guide (appended to Mao’s Little Red Book in 1993), quid pro quo is perfectly acceptable as long as the harasser makes himself useful. Confused? Here’s how it breaks down:

Breaking and entering her house at night = 1 felony charge

Stealing her panties = 1 burglary charge

Leaving behind creepy, “don’t panic, I hope you can understand my feelings for you” love notes in her apartment = 1 sexual harassment charge

Doing her laundry and fixing her computer after rifling through her underwear drawer = Faultless

I'm all for diplomacy but I get the feeling that Chinese women should just skip the awareness training and launch right into perfecting the Dragon Ball snap-kick to the groin.