dear Grandpa,

Last night on the phone mom mentioned that you were upset because you recently found a half-gallon jug of vodka chilling behind the wicker couch on your back porch. She didn’t mention why you immediately assumed that it was hers, but suffice it to say you were correct. I know that your religious background and moral practices don’t condone the consumption of alcohol—not even for communion—so I can understand why you were so upset at finding such a large quantity of hard liquor in your home. However, although I believe that a certain amount your anger is justified, please let me put this in perspective.

It was Christmas, and like so many other families we were all traveling from different locations around the country in order to see each other for the first time in months. The week before we arrived at your house, you were put into the hospital with heart trouble and we spent the next week sitting by your bedside trying not to cry in front of each other. Christmas came and we all tried to be grateful, but Grandma was worried because she hadn’t had time to do any holiday shopping and you were stuck in a hospital bed waiting for your doctor to get back from his vacation. After visiting hours, all of the stress and grief and worrying left us too worried to go anywhere and too exhausted to sleep. So, we made mudslides. And screwdrivers. And took a few shots straight from the bottle when we ran out of the orange juice that you bought for the big Christmas brunch. As a result, mom was able to decompress, the boys and I settled down enough to play some cards, and Grandma was able to sleep. (Don’t worry, she’s no drunk—we told her it was hot chocolate.)

It’s not that I’m condoning the practice of drowning one’s sorrows in alcohol, or self-medicating with booze, or drugging elderly relatives, it’s just what happened. Moreover, although I doubt you remember, during the holidays you didn’t exactly qualify as sober either—the only difference was, we had the nurse hook your cocktail directly into your IV.

All of this to say, it’s not worth getting too upset over, especially with your heart condition. But if you insist, please put the vodka back where you found it, because chances are it’ll probably come in handy again.

Your loving granddaughter, - M