pin the name on the panda

A short time ago Washington DC’s first panda cub was born at the National Zoo and zoo officials have decided that the public should decide what to name him. These are the choices we have been given:

- Hua Sheng, which means “China Washington,” and also “magnificent.”
- Sheng Hua, which means “Washington China,” and also “magnificent.”
- Tai Shan, which means “peace mountain.”
- Long Shan, which means “dragon mountain.”
- Qiang Qiang, which means “strong, powerful.”

Are you kidding me? These are the most boring names ever! We’re naming an actual CELEBRITY here, people. Even human children of celebrities get more interesting names than this—and they’re not even famous in their own right! Or almost extinct! And their names can actually cause them emotional harm! We can saddle this cute, famous animal with any name we want and we’re going to choose “sleepy mountain” or some shit? C’mon, we can do so much better than that! You could name him Voltron or Apple or Dumbass and he couldn’t care less—so go nuts! Here are some celebrities’ children names to get you warmed up:

Jane Goldman and Jonathan Ross named their children Betty Kitten, Honey Kinney and Harvey Kirby.

Bono named his kid Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q.

Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke named their kid Levi Roan Green.

Forest Whitaker named his kids Ocean, True and Sonnet.

Jason Lee named his kid Pilot Inspektor.

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis named their kids Tallulah, Rumer and Scout.

Frank Zappa named his kids Dweezil, Ahmet Rodan, Moon Unit and Diva.

Spike Lee named his daughter Satchel.

Bob Geldof and Paula Yates named their kids Fifi-Trixibelle, Peaches and Pixie.

Any suggestions?