calling all sperm entrepreneurs

I am intrigued by sperm donation. According to this article, the selection process to become a donor can be a very rigorous and dauntingly self-reflective journey. This particular clinic asks donors to not only complete extensive paperwork on their education level, family medical history and personal sexual practices, but to also submit the sperm donor-equivalent of a college entrance essay and an audio diary as well. Sperm customers (shoppers? recepticles?) may select a sample based on any number of criteria including ethnicity, profession, professed talents and education. In fact, this clinic differentiates between doctoral and non-doctoral donors (although “doctoral” can mean either “possesses PhD” or “pursuing PhD”), a quality which no doubt comes with an extra charge. Thus, reproductive-hopefuls may browse through different categories to select their once-removed impregnator. (Impregnatee donations are available just around the corner at the egg bank—how convenient! And I’m sure the clinic can probably provide a surrogate-yellow pages upon request.) The average donor receives only a couple hundred dollars for his product, though the clinic is richly compensated for its services. How weird—conception is such a simple process and yet in the context of sperm donation it suddenly becomes extremely complicated and expensive. Women (and their partners) pay through the nose to have some carefully-selected random guy impregnate them by a third party. I mean, when you buy a car you can’t help but feel ripped-off by the dealer, right? You know that they get the car for cheaper and the factory produces them at even lower cost, yet you’re stuck with a ridiculous price and a ten-year car mortgage. And sperm banks sell children, and they don’t even make anything technically! How awful! How unjust! Why haven’t some good-looking, well-educated guys thought to fill this niche in the market? I mean, they could set up a booth right outside the sperm bank and make a killing! They could do everything from arranging clandestine meetings between customers and rogue donors to selling their own brand of services. With little to no overhead they could keep prices low as well. Here’s an example of what their sperm menu could include:

Platinum Package: $3000
- Full health-screening and psychological testing
- Extended family medical history
- Signed headshot of donor
- Personal essay about donor’s:
a) religious experience
b) cheerful childhood
c) zest for life
- Personal poem about:
a) love
b) sunsets
c) customer’s beautiful eyes

Gold Package: $1500
- Full health-screening
- Immediate family medical history
- One 5x6 portrait of donor (plus 4 wallet-sized!)
- Brief donor biography

Silver Package: $500
- Blood test
- Personal medical history
- Polaroid of donor

Desperado Package: $200
- One shot of tequila
- A quickie in the donor’s van

For Extra Charge:
- Glamour Shot of donor
- Mini-fridge/van cooler contents
- Orgasm
- Small talk

C’mon guys, reproductively-challenged couples everywhere are counting on YOU to restore balance to the donor sperm force. It is an opportunity to promote justice, help the helpless, and develop your budding entrepreneurial skills. It’s the American thing to do.