saturday morning fever

On Monday we plan to see the final installment of the Hugh Jackman trilogy, even though the titles of its reviews suggest that it may lack the chutzpah of the previous two movies. But we both watched the X-Men cartoons as kids, and then as teenagers, and now occasionally as adults, and by now we’re hopelessly addicted. When I turned on the TV this morning, I was pleased to see that the fame garnered in recent years had led network executives to air old school episodes of The X-Men in the Saturday morning line-up. However, these were not the episodes I watched as a kid. These were the old episodes, of a crappy animation quality that I was unfamiliar with. (Not surprisingly, Cyclops is a worthless tool in this series as well.) I only caught the last three minutes, but boy oh boy was it exciting!

When I tuned in, Juggernaut was already bearing down on Professor Xavier, Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Angel-Guy, Fire-Star and Ice-Man. First, Storm jumped in and tried to rain him to death. When that failed they retreated and the Professor took over the command role: “Follow my mental commands! Cyclops and Wolverine, you will be the second wave of attack!” (That was it—that was his mental command. Maybe he should have included a little more direction.)

Cyclops and Wolverine went after him, but Cyclops couldn’t browbeat Juggernaut into submission, so Wolverine jumped in to slash him up. Unfortunately, Wolverine was retarded, and Juggernaut merely juggled him high into the air and then tossed him into a nearby brick wall, where he got irretrievably stuck, claws first (“I’m stuck!” he cried helplessly).

Then Ice-Man and Angel-Guy had a go—Ice-Man built a wall of ice that probably only served to refresh Juggernaut as he pummeled through it, and Angel-Guy flew around or something. Juggernaut confronted the Professor, stranded in his wheelchair, and cackled: “Ha ha! Now there is nothing between us!” At which point Fire-Star surrounded Juggernaut with a wall of flame (“How’s that for nothing!?”) which he promptly walked through, unharmed.

No one was left to defend the Professor—Juggernaut raised his giant foot to crush him where he sat! But then, suddenly, the Professor was surrounded by netting and lifted to safety, just in the nick of time. I was like, what the hell? Is that one of Fire-Star’s powers? Netting? But then they revealed the unexpected hero—Spider-Man! And I was like, What the hell?! Spider-Man?!! But there was no time to think, because the Professor was giving our hero some mental commands: “We must remove his helmet—the source of his power! Spider-Man, use your special skills to remove his helmet!”

Ha-HA! Juggernaut was doomed! He was no match for Spider-Man’s special skills! Ice-Man quickly froze Juggernaut in place and Spider-Man jumped onto his head and used his "special skills" to defeat the enemy—namely, by trying to rip off Juggernaut’s helmet with his renowned brute strength. Finally—success! Juggernaut mocked them heartily, boasting that his helmet was not the source of his strength. But then Professor Xavier paralyzed him with the power of his brain. Hurray!

A short while later they all gathered in what seemed to be a college student’s living room. Professor Xavier thanked Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends for their help in defeating their foe, and Fire-Star delivered the final zinger: “Usually class reunions are boring, but Juggernaut made this one un-for-gettable!” Cue uproarious laughter. Roll credits.

Cheesy, yes. Awful dialogue, yes. Under-developed action sequences, yes. But I still enjoyed it. Just as I’m sure to enjoy this third X-Men movie, even if it sucks. Probably. Well, especially if Storm gets killed off. And Cyclops cries like a little girl again. And the sexual tension between Professor Xavier and Magneto finally gets resolved.

Boy, I can’t wait.