the rules of kickball

Question for the guys: Do you rub up on other guys at work? You know, squeeze or rub their upper arm, shoulder or back? I’m curious. I need to know.

Because based on personal observations, I suspect that the overwhelming majority of men do not do this to their fellows, but I wanted to check with you guys first just to make sure. You see, there is a man at my workplace who regularly touches, squeezes or rubs the arms, shoulders and backs of the women in the office. In fact, it happened to me yesterday—he walked into my office to talk to my co-worker, and rubbed my shoulder on the way in AND on the way out. Twice in 10 seconds. I know what you’re thinking—how is this guy still walking around? Why isn’t he hunched over in pain or writhing on the floor coughing blood? Well, considering my tried-and-true method of the past, by all rights he should have been. But for once I restrained myself—you wouldn’t believe how much kicking someone in the balls is frowned on around here.

This brings me to my dilemma: How to convey to him my vomitous rage over these unwanted touchings while still maintaining an amicable working relationship? Now before you jump in with some “just explain that it makes you uncomfortable” HR harassment training bullshit, let me first inject a bit of real world background. From experience I know that making a formal complaint does not work. A male manager sits down with the male offender to explain the complaint, the offender signs a statement that gets filed away in his work record to document the complaint, the complaint is stamped “resolved” but the offending behavior continues and the very next week the offender is sent out alone on a long-distance business trip with one of the young women who contributed to the complaint about his inappropriate workplace behavior. Meanwhile, she gets branded as a whining bitch who can’t take a joke and doesn’t have the thick skin required to make it in this business. The ‘good ol’ boys club’ is still alive in most workplaces and thrives in others, so even “physically abusive hard-ass” is better than “whining shrew.” That rules out filing a complaint with upper management.

Second, addressing the issue directly with the offender (the HR-recommended route) poses the same risk as filing a complaint with a manager. Except that instead of everyone whispering behind your back you get a profuse, overly sincere apology followed by a denial of bad intentions and an extensive survey of the office to loudly demand everyone’s personal feelings on the matter: You don’t mind when I put my hand on your shoulder, right? I’m just being friendly, I don’t mean anything by it. You know, we’re friends, we all work together! There’s nothing wrong with that, right? That’s what I thought, too!

Third, the guy in the background complaint-fiasco scenario is a sleazeball, while the guy at my current workplace is merely a bozo. This factor, more than anything, makes me rethink the traditional genital-kick course of action. Whereas Sleazeball definitely deserved pain and suffering for the blatant abuse of his female co-workers, I believe that Bozo is oblivious and his inappropriate behavior is just an outlet for his nervous energy and need to be loved by his officemates. (Of course, this was my initial diagnosis of Sleazeball, so we’ll see how this hypothesis pans out.) So, I can’t kick Bozo—not yet, anyway. Pre-emptive strikes without evidence of wrongdoing can be messy, and I prefer to reserve my nuclear option for a sure thing. Thus, it’s a no-go on kickball until more intel comes through on the rogue agent.

So, what option is left? I don’t want to risk my career by filing a complaint or ruin my work environment by confronting Bozo. Do I just sit tight, grin and bear it? Or change jobs to avoid any course of action to deal with this particular bozo/sleazeball? Or chalk it up as a character-building exercise in the School of Life Isn’t Always a Party?

Of course, all of my bitching and whining might be moot depending on how the guys answer the question above. If guys DO rub up on other guys, and not just on women, then fine—obviously there is a breed of man out there who feels the need to convey his sense of comraderie through touchy-feely displays of workplace affection.

But if guys only rub up on women, then we have a problem: If you are a creep, you better wear a cup and avoid splayed-leg stances because I’ll figure you out sooner or later. And if you’re just a friendly guy, you should realize that every woman you touch probably has you pegged as a creep. Some women might not mind the occasional pat on the back or arm squeeze, especially if you look like George Clooney or that cute guy from that one band. But most of them do. And—just to warn you—some will kick you in the balls.