san francisco treats (parts II & III)

A long walk through Chinatown yielded a satisfying haul of bubble tea, hot pork buns, spicy noodles and cheap souvenirs. At House of Nanking a belligerent hostess bullied us into ordering much more food than we could handle and everyone but the South American tourists received forks instead of chopsticks. Note: Moon cakes are tasty, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat the yolk. Blegh.

Guys, do you ever want to wear low-cut pants to show your tantalizing ass-crack at the club but aren’t slutty enough to feel comfortable shuffling about with your pants around your ankles? Then the Castro district has the perfect pair of pants for you! Equipped with a cinching strap to fit across the top of your buttocks, these extremely low-cut pants allow for optimal ass-viewing without that irritating waistband-slippage. Also, ample crotch room allows for prominent frontal asset display as well.

Here’s a tip: If you are a hobo and you want neither my money nor my pity, you should definitely insult me after I politely refuse your patronizing question about whether or not I need to hear your “long, sad story” beforehand. Only if you already hold a job in customer service can you afford to be so surly.

I am confused as to why many of the promoters standing outside the clubs and adult show theaters are dressed in three-piece suits, trench coats, shiny wing-tips and fedoras. I assume they’re supposed to look like snazzy mobsters, but they really just skew ‘mobster’s accountant’ or even ‘hasidic Jew.’

$12 standing room tickets at the Giants stadium will buy you a clear view of Winn’s flying third-out catch on the fence in the eight inning and Alou’s winning home run at first at bat in the ninth. A couple bucks more will get you a four-flavored bag of cotton candy and a sugar high.

The only effects of the May Day marches that I witnessed were that buses throughout the city were delayed or held up completely. And the only people I saw this affect were the elderly Chinese shoppers and baby-toting mothers waiting with us at the Chinatown bus stop.