SMA-shing, Gromit!

Forgive me, readers, for I’ve been extremely lazy. It’s been 24 days since my last post. I don’t have an excuse either. In fact, I’ve been soooo bored at work for the past few weeks that I was sucked into the delusion that I could write the next great American novel in my down time. I got about twenty pages in before I looked up the standard novel word count: a minimum of 70,000 words. Christ. That means I have 180 more pages to go. If I write a thousand words a day everyday I won’t be done until… mid-June. Considering the fact that I only embarked on this venture to keep my head out of the office’s mini-microwave oven, maybe I should just find another job instead. Food for thought, I guess.

Anyway, bitching wasn’t supposed to be the subject of this post. Rather, I was going to write something cheesy and/or humorous to mark our 6 year anniversary today, but then something better came up: (Jed, I’m sure you won’t mind being bumped. I’ve known you long enough to understand the priorities in our relationship. I’m sure you’ll agree with me.) A gigantic rabbit.

That’s right. Apparently a GIANT bunny rabbit has been terrorizing a farming town in England, eating all of its best produce—à la Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit. If it sounds ridiculous and unbelievable, that’s because it is. Except there’s this picture:

Did you scream? Cuz I almost did when I saw it. It’s not that it’s hideous, or anything. Not like those obese cats you sometimes see smothering their owners on the Animal Planet channel, anyway. It’s just so shocking and… well, shocking. After viewing all of the pre-Easter pictures of baby bunnies on CuteOverload I was lulled into the tiny-baby-sized rabbit stereotype. I wasn’t expecting something that looks capable of driving a Volvo.

Did anyone have the book Ride a Purple Pelican as a kid? We’ll there’s one illustration in it that features a tiny woman riding a mouse with a saddle and harness. I was all about riding horses when I was five (until ol’ Blanco tried to scrape me off his back using the short doorway in the barn) and the thought of riding something fuzzy and mild-tempered that doesn’t wish to kill me is very appealing. This breeder-guy could be a genius!! And a multi-billionaire if he plays his cards right. Who wouldn’t want to ride a cute bunny around? They’re fluffy and speedy and cute and fuel-efficient and easy to reproduce. They could revolutionize the American highway system. Not only would there be a decrease in the need for fossil fuels, but there would be less road rage! Sure, you might still be stuck in traffic for 2 hours, but how can you get angry when you’re staring at a fuzzy cottontail instead of a GODSGR8 license plate or Vote Kerry bumper sticker? Of course, on a more serious note, this would cripple the American car industry for sure. I mean, GM might be able to scrape itself back from the edge of obscurity with some kind of SUV-hybrid, but if the Japanese start exporting Bunnyobiles GM’s screwed. Even though these cuties might poop droppings the size of basketballs, they’d still have the market advantage. Because there’s nothing that the Japs do better than Cars and Cuteness.

PS: Oh, and Creepy. (Japan-san, sorry to temper my glowing compliment with that last minute addition but I’d momentarily forgotten about tentacle rape. Seriously, though—what the fuck??)