brought to you by any form of birth control (really—just pick one!)

While channel-flipping last night I came across this hideous sight:



Uggghhh, I thought, how delightful—a TLC makeover for the world’s most unsightly haircut! This woman’s bangs and sideburns have taken over her head and some charitable reality show is going to rescue her and give her tips on wearing straight-legged pants and pointy-toed shoes!

Alas, such was not the case.

Instead, I was sucked into a horrific roller-coaster of conservative nutism. You see, although the fashion victim who caught my eye had indeed been mugged by a bad ‘80s hairstyle and doily collar, she was not on TV for a makeover. She was on TV because in her 14 years of marriage she had had 15 children (with one on the way) and her family was in the process of building a 7,000 square foot house—under their own man-power. That’s right. Who needs a contractor when you have twin 6-year-olds who can lay brick and tile the kitchen?

They mesmerized me. When the family went on vacation (to a home-schooling conference in Texas—yee-haw!) they all dressed in red outfits so that they’d be able to easily identify each other in a crowd. (This brought back traumatic memories of another creepy family dressed entirely in red flannel.) They were like a field of blond poppy-elves, swaying under Mother Sun’s determinedly cheerful stare. Or like shiny waves of blood cascading through the doors of a sinister elevator.

When I awoke from my trauma-induced seizure the show was nearly over. Time for the coup de grâce. When asked what she says to people who ask her why she has so many children, she beamed eerily and replied, “Saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers.” I was floored. What flawless logic. Everyone likes flowers! Well, not people who are allergic to pollen. And not necessarily the flora that shoots out of someone’s vagina every spring to be raised in subservience to the boy-flowers. But still—they are beautiful.

Dear. God.

Somewhere this morning there is a Planned Parenthood worker lying in a pool of their own blood in front of a TLC-tuned television. Police will be baffled as to what wholesome program could have possibly driven this poor soul to suicide, but I will know the answer…


See this for some biting (and often hilarious) commentary on the show.

And see this if you enjoy long walks with God and constant child-producing romance.