Olympic gold

First: Kudos to Japan for the flawless execution of their first figure skating smack-down. As Japan’s first figure skater to win a gold medal, Shizuka Arakawa is sure to enjoy legendary status in her home country for years to come. You know, like Paul Bunyan. Not to be mean, or anything—but she just looks gi-GAN-tic. Or maybe it’s just Cohen’s elf-like stature that makes her seem like a football player in a tutu. Even my Japanese co-worker was impressed: “She’s so tall! With her long legs and her looong arms—but they look so feminine!!” Mmm-kay. This strange comment made me pause briefly to consider if all of the timid geisha propaganda had blinded us to the harsh reality that Japan is inhabited by hordes of hairy female behemoths that catch giant squid with their bare hands and devour their husbands after mating. Whatever. I’ll chalk that up as a ‘lost in translation’ moment and move on. Congraturation, Shizuka! May you always tower over your opponents. And crush and eat them. (You know, if that’s your thing over there.)

Second: PANTS! The Russian skater, Irina Slutskaya, wore a spandex pantsuit for her short program. Finally, the women’s movement has spread as far as the Olympics where up until now (perhaps in some misguided attempt at modesty) it has been illegal for women to wear anything but tiny skirts made of tissue paper. Hot damn—what a victory for womenfolk everywhere! Not that we should replace those stylish two-inch puff-skirts with spandex pants. God forbid. That would just be slutty.

Irina Slutskaya, Russia

Third: Emily Hughes’ legs. They’re HUGE! She looks like she could launch into space! Or kick someone’s head off! Both are highly-intimidating competitive qualities. Those skinny skater bitches would be shaking in their boots if only Hughes looked more like Chyna and less like Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Fourth: Just because it’s extremely unfair to make fun of figure skaters for the faces that they make during competition doesn’t mean that we can’t. As long as we acknowledge the wickedness and injustice of our mockery before we point and laugh and crow about the announcers’ gushing compliments on the skaters’ beauty, style, grace and composure, we should be just fine karma-wise. With that said, here are some highlights—made possible by the magic of still photography:

Sasha Cohen, USA

Emily Hughes, USA

Shizuka Arakawa, Japan

Miki Ando, Japan

Zorgarth Zhu, Legion of the Undead