softball wisdom

Resist your soccer instincts. Although trapping the ball with your shins may seem like a functional idea, it is extremely painful and should be avoided if you value a normal life that includes legs and walking.

As in life, in softball there is no mercy rule, so you must set your own goals and limits. And although losing a game by ten points may seem bad at the time, losing by fifteen is worse, and losing by twenty is just humiliating. When you get to the twenty-five point discrepancy mark, next season you should sign up for bumper bowling instead.

The umpire does not appreciate a player who makes the calls before he does, especially if the opinions differ and the home plate ump takes the player’s side on the call. Pumping one’s fist in celebration and yelling “In yo’ FACE!” is also frowned upon.

Playing with co-workers outside of work can be a fun bonding experience. However, resist the temptation to high-five them at the office. Besides potentially making non-team office mates feel uncomfortable and excluded, you risk looking like a giant tool.

Curb your impulse to scream “Fucking balls” or “Cheating ass-monkey!” during heated game moments. You may offend your teammates' children in the stands and your boss will never look at you quite the same way again.

Despite popular opinion, beer does not give you softball superpowers. You’ll need that depth perception for the game, you twit.

Don’t throw like a girl. It will embarrass you and everyone in the vicinity.

Generally speaking, if your boss is a man he will remember that awesome play you made at second base in the bottom of the ninth inning during the fourth game of the season but won’t remember the revolutionary accounting system that you developed to save the company from bankruptcy. That’s okay, he’ll still make a really good work reference.