calling all bosom buddies

David Brent was right--Dolly Parton is more than just a big pair of tits. For one thing, she can exude patriotic bodaciousness like no one else. (Nevermind that this may only be because the wobbling of her boobs creates the effect that her tribute-to-America pantsuit is waving proudly above the land of the free.) Someone needs to sign her as a spokesperson for something...



A-ha. I've got just the thing.

October is breast cancer awareness month, which means it's the one month a year that reminds you that you should have been feeling yourself up for the last eleven months, so you try to make up for it by being extra paranoid and checking every day until November comes along and then you get paranoid about all of the extra attention you received from your partner during the whole boob-check month and suddenly your concern over possibly having cancer is eclipsed by the ensuing pregnancy scare. Ah, fall. It's my favorite time of year.

So let the paranoia begin--in two months we'll wash it all away with a big helping of turkey and pie. But in the meantime, why can't we have a little fun? Why does breast cancer awareness have to be such a somber topic? Don't you think more awareness could be raised through comedy rather than scare tactics and marathons? Isn't there some way to raise funds and concern about cancer without having to resort to such barbaric tactics as exercise and depression? I sure think so. And so do others.








Nice. That last one just follows the natural progression of ideas--check here for more. And, if none of these are your style, you can lend some support with a simple click. So during this month, click on the thingy, squash your boobs (or your loved ones' boobs--ask permission first), and remind others to do so as well.

Holy bazooms, folks, there's so much material here that this just doesn't seem like enough! That is why I propose a Breast Cancer Awareness Contest. Submissions may come in any form, as long as they bring attention to the boobies:

- Writings (plays, haikus, T-shirt slogans)
- Art (papier machee, steel sculptures, pipe-cleaner doo-hickies, Halloween costumes)
- Music (songs, cello pieces, drum solos)
- Photos (oh my God, please don't send me photos)

And anything in between. Submit to me via email (for art pieces, pictures are acceptable)--anyone may enter. Deadline is 31 October 2007. There are no objective judging criteria. Instead, I will judge the submissions myself, à la Tyra Banks with the helpful assistance of my Resident Boob Expert. This will involve me wearing a wig and some weird outfit and taking every opportunity to draw attention to myself. (As my sidekick, the RBE will act flamboyantly catty and roll his eyes incessantly.) The Winner will receive an awesome prize in the shape of--what else--boobies (it doesn't matter what it is--you know you want it!!), Second Place will receive a honk on the boob of their choice (note: it does not have to be theirs), and Third Place will get a friendly slap on the ass.

Encourage everyone to enter--pass along my contact info to bored co-workers, relatives, etc. And in the meantime, use as many of these emoticons as possible. Remember, it's for a good cause: