california melts your brain

This is Autumn. Although her name might imply otherwise, she is a puppy, not a stripper.



I must confess: despite the fact that she is a teacup Chihuahua, I find her extremely cute. I know, I know—Chihuahuas are disgusting. They shiver constantly and they have bulbous heads and large bulging eyeballs that look fit to pop any second. And they are toted around like living accessories, imprisoned in large pink purses and clad in bejeweled collars and tiny outfits. But Autumn is different. Well, sort of. Yes, her owner carries her in her purse. Yes, she has a fluorescent pink gem stone-studded collar. Yes, she arrived to work today wearing a hideous flowered dress, like a deformed time-traveling midget from 1986. BUT, her head is pleasantly proportional and her eyes stay put in her little head. She does shake a bit, but only when she’s being held (I think she’s nervous about being dropped, as I would be if someone dangled me twenty body-lengths from the floor). But once she’s on the ground she’s all wiggly and adorable.

She has enchanted most everyone in the office, except for a few men too insecure in their masculinity to admit that her cuteness balances out her lack of practical purpose. Today my office mate and I even made her a ghetto toy out of an ID badge string, a ball of paper and a rubber band to distract her from cutting her puppy teeth on our fingers. Passersby were unimpressed at our skills, but Autumn thought it was the most awesome thing ever. That is, until she pooped on our carpet and we had to use a whole roll of paper towels to clean it up—then she thought the empty cardboard roll was the most awesome thing ever. Later, in a stroke of genius, we gave her the flowered dress to chew on. She mauled it with great relish and even growled a little. I’m thinking of instituting this as a daily Two Minute Hate. She may only be a dog, but I believe that she deserves some dignity and an opportunity to avenge her humiliations.



Oh my dear sweet Jesus, I’ve posted two entire paragraphs about a Chihuahua. I fear I’m being sucked into the strange vortex of genial absurdity that is California. I can’t wait to get back to the DC area, with its muggy weather and its bitter racist filling. Only it can save me from this sunny abyss.