Onion staff schooled by actual headline

Late Wednesday morning, The Onion’s editor-in-chief Carol Kolb arrived at the newspaper’s headquarters in SoHo and called for an emergency staff meeting to be held in the windowless corner of the loft by the mini-fridge, ostensibly referred to as “the large conference room.” An emotional Kolb briefly greeted the three writers and a janitor believed to be the new fall intern before bracing her co-workers for “the most awful moment of [her] 11-year career” at The Onion.

“It’s happened—we’re finished. The world of wacky headline satire has finally been eclipsed by real world news,” she said tearfully, referring to a headline published on CNN’s website earlier in the day [‘Dog saves owner from fire, dies trying to rescue cat’].

Piercing wails and vulgar, ear-blistering curses immediately followed her announcement. “We all knew it might happen some day, but we never prepared for it,” confessed one incredulous writer, Joe Garden. “We just focused on being positive and hoped that it would last forever.”

After a lengthy group crying jag, Kolb summoned every ounce of her stalwart leadership skills to microwave ham ‘n’ cheese Hot Pockets for the entire group. After naptime, she spent several minutes reassuring each member of her staff.

“I’m just telling them that they’ll be fine, even though I think they may all be homeless by next month. I mean, I’ll be fine,” Kolb laughed reassuringly. “I have actual experience editing stories and running a newspaper. But the only experience they have is making up slightly offensive news headlines. Now that their skills are obsolete, it might be difficult for them to hold down a real job. I mean, they’re so used to our format, but if they want to stay in the newspaper business they’ll have to get used to writing the headline after writing the story—that’s the real world of news. Their world has been turned upside down.” Kolb paused thoughtfully before shrugging bravely, “But I’m their boss, and my job is to make them feel good, you know? It’s tough, but I have to be strong for them before I get busy with other things.”

“It’s just like 9/11 all over again,” sobbed Maria Schneider, another Onion writer. “I’m completely shocked that this could happen.” Drawn to the newspaper’s comic genius while attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison, where The Onion was founded in 1988, Schneider volunteered her services as a graphic artist and began working at the paper in 1992. “I love working here because it’s such a great creative environment and the audience is great. I once got an email signed ‘Osama B-L’ commending us on one of our articles [‘Latest Bin Laden Videotape Wishes America 'A Crappy Valentine's Day'’]. I thought it was really cool, you know, that even he was a fan. But I guess it wasn’t really him. If he really liked us he wouldn’t have destroyed us—he’s finally won.”

UPDATE: Since the initial printing of this article at 5:54 PM, 18 October 2006, three of the ten Onion staff members remain unaccounted for and unaware of their newspaper’s demise, while one writer (John Krewson) has already received and accepted an offer letter to work as a news reporter for The New York Times.