crappy impressionisms

Late this summer we took a trip downtown to the Hirshhorn Museum of Modern and Contemporary Art and Sculpture Garden. Some of the wire sculptures and paintings were pretty cool, but I found these enjoyments few and far between. I must confess that I'm not a huge fan of modern/contemporary art. I try, I really do! But most examples just serve to convince me that, hell, I could exhibit artistic work in a museum too. I know everybody thinks that they can be a modern artist and that nay-sayers will claim that modern art contains genius subtleties that my gray, plebeian brain could never fathom, but I beg to differ. For example, take the painting below:

"Nude (?) #4"

Hideous, correct? I mean, a Kindergartner could have painted this, providing he had access to enough paint and a naked lady. The kid wouldn't even need an adult-sized attention span--the artist of this painting didn't even finish properly. He kinda petered out near the bottom of the canvas. I guess he figured, Hair, face, boobs, vagina--done! What does she need legs for, anyway, I've covered all of the main points. It's the artistic equivalent of a high schooler's essay or lovemaking skills. I know that artist dudes are supposedly irresistable to women, but I doubt this monstrosity scored this painter any points with the ladies. Or maybe he's just gay... Good Lord, it all makes sense now. Next!

"I'm Skankalicious"

This photo series features a beautiful blonde in a bikini top devouring various fruits with slutty delight. I don't really understand what I'm supposed to think about this piece. The only thoughts that come to mind when I see this are: 1) Whore!, 2) Mmm, I haven't eaten a lemon in a while, and 3) Okay, I get the motivation behind this piece--I really hope she wasn't suckered into sleeping with him. Oh, who am I kidding, she totally was.

"Motion Sickness"

As I strolled into this room I nearly fell over, but less from awe and more from nausea. More awaited me downstairs.

"I will not throw spitballs in class. I will not throw spitballs in class."

See, what the artist did here was actually cover the entire ground level foor in colored tape, lining along the walls and working his way inward. It was undeniably cool looking, but made me wonder exactly how many detentions the artist had to accrue in art school in order to complete this amount of busy work.

Finally, a masterpiece from my childhood. I'm sure my brothers remember the day we wandered through this sculpture garden for the first time. We were entirely unthrilled with the modern sculptures, and upset at the fact that we were supposed to be appreciating something remotely educational during our summer vacation. It was wet outside, fresh from a mid-day downpour, and we slumped dejectedly from sculpture to sculpture, mocking the various pieces as we went. We spotted this one from down the path--"That one looks like a turtle on a stick!" The quiet adults perusing the sculpture garden shot us scathing looks of disapproval, tired of our sarcastic commentary. I think our mother was a bit embarrassed, but even she had to laugh at the words that we discovered etched in the damp sand of a nearby smoking tray: Turtle on a Stick. We were ecstatic.

"Turtle on a Stick"

I guess that's modern art's saving grace. Our reaction may not have been what this sculptor was going for, but his work still made an impression on us. I now realize that modern art is not just art for art's sake, but an opportunity to connect with other people who don't understand what it's supposed to mean either. We might not get why the artist created a fake mushroom forest out of plaster or chose to portray the naked woman as an apple with green boobies, but we can still share a laugh about it--a common sense of what the hell?.

And too bad if that's not what the artists are going for. If they want to be taken seriously, they can learn how to fucking draw.