seeing red is its own award

Remember the award ceremonies at the end of each term in elementary school? The pretenses to distribute these certificates of merit ranged from admirable, to mundane, to ludicrous. As a result, at some point everyone was called up onstage to receive some sort of recognition (‘Good job, Dylan! You only assaulted between 3-5 of your classmates/teachers this term—what an improvement!’). Ninety minutes into one interminable ceremony I remember feeling a sense of resigned frustration for the entire system. I knew that in the school’s battle to reconcile our young self-esteem with our developing intelligence, our intelligence had won nothing but the short end of the stick. Ah, what fond memories. It’s good to see that someone’s keeping the tradition alive.

Washington, D.C. - This morning the Family Research Council (FRC) proudly presented this year's "True Blue Awards" to 24 Members of Congress at a Capitol Hill Club breakfast.

The "True Blue Award" is presented to Members of Congress who demonstrate extraordinary integrity and character in their defense of families and the sanctity of human life through their votes.

This year a total of 69 Members received a "True Blue Award" from the Family Research Council for having achieved 100% voting records on issues of importance to the American family.

On a lighter note, FRC issued its first "Black & Blue Awards" to those Members of Congress who voted 0% on pro-family issues. Dishonorable mentions were in order for two members who excelled in disservice to the strengthening of families, faith and freedom.

Congressman Henry Waxman (D-CA) received the "Abstinence of Thought" award for his brilliantly composed abstinence report which abstained from providing any facts or positive research to substantiate his claims.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) received the "Un-Intelligent Design" award for being a longtime proponent of removing faith from the public square, prayer from public schools and intelligent design from academic studies. However, Rep. Pelosi never fails to accept the Supreme Court's wisdom as though "God has spoken" when rendering a decision derived unconstitutionally.

Photo: Reps. Jeb Hensarling (R-TX) and James Sensenbrenner (R-WI) strike a pose.

reason #4782 why Japan is fucked up

It is the birthplace of Retired Husband Syndrome (RHS).

say "shit-eating grin"

Earlier today (former) House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was hauled down to Olan Mills to have his mug shot taken. Sure, he's being indicted for a finance scandal and therefore may soon go to jail, but at least the pictures turned out nicely enough for his wife to splice his head into the family Christmas card.

the end of innocence

In 7th grade our “GT” English class (which is the Latin abbreviation for "socially inept" or "destined for U of C") had to do individual presentations in front of the entire class. Everyone was nervous—it was our first year of Junior High, none of us really knew each other, and all of us were kind of dorky.

We all agonized over our oral report, desperately wanting to make the best impression on our peers and teacher. On the day of presentations we all sat trembling in our seats, waiting to be called on. Our teacher asked for volunteers and after a long moment of cowering silence a shy boy named Ryan raised his hand and waved it in a cavalier manner as if to say, "what the hell, let's get this over with!" He stood at the front of the class, looked down at his paper, and began to read. Things began well. He didn't stutter or lose his place on the page and everyone seemed to be listening attentively. Then, halfway through the second paragraph, the teacher interrupted him.

"I'm sorry," she said, "but I just have to ask you something." Our eyes shifted away from Ryan's slightly sweaty brow and locked on Mrs. B. "Why in the world would you wear that shirt to school?"

Our heads whipped back to Ryan, who gazed down at his T-shirt, the White Sox team logo featured prominently on its front. He frowned, concentrating. Was this a joke to break the nervous tension in the room? Would a teasing story about her Cubs-fan status follow shortly?

"I mean, it's just so inappropriate," she continued. We could all see genuine disgust on her face, and no one knew what to think, least of all Ryan. We all gave her a puzzled look and she screeched at us like we were a hoard of degenerates: "SEX! His shirt says "sex"! It's completely inappropriate for school!!"

No one laughed. Or blinked. Or made a sound. Instead, we all stared at Ryan, silently compelling him to answer her quickly, before her head exploded.

"Um," he stuttered, turning bright red, "it's a baseball team."

Our teacher now appeared completely repulsed. "Oh my GOD!" she exclaimed, unable to believe the level to which the sports marketing machine would stoop in order to recruit adolescent fans.

At this outburst everyone jumped in to back up Ryan's story. We explained about the logo and the Sox, but having only heard of the Red variety our teacher remained skeptical despite our lively protestations. To this day I don't believe we succeeded in convincing her. She was entrenched in her jaded view of the world and we couldn't dig her out, no matter how hard we tried. To her we were nothing but a bunch of depraved hormonal beasts with slightly evolved IQs—above average, but still no better than horny apes. More than anything, it was her display of skepticism in the face of pop culture logic that was our baptism into adulthood. That day we all realized just how far from elementary school we’d really come.

As for Ryan, he struggled through the rest of his presentation, mumbling painfully and completely mortified. He disappeared shortly thereafter, having transferred to another school in the county. He was sighted every so often, but like Bigfoot he was shy and uncommunicative. Although none of us ever really got to know him, we never forgot him or the unjust accusation that crushed his fledgling social career in its first hour of life. It’s been over ten years since that disastrous day and the most I know is that he eventually graduated from high school and went to college somewhere far away.

Poor guy. I hope that wherever he is he's still a White Sox fan, because if anyone deserves to enjoy their success, it's him.

my last day

8:23 am - Woke up feeling cheerful and loving and happy.
9:24 am - Waltzed into work a bit late. Answered phones.
9:32 am - Read Washington Post online. Phones.
10:13 am - Browsed CNN.com. More phones.
11:01 am - Refined list of business operations problems/solutions for exit interview.
12:10 pm - Ate lunch.
12:33-1:57 pm - Phones, phones, phones oh my God everyone called.
2:03 pm - Exit interview: problems I've identified + solutions I've developed = bosses' sour faces, deflected blame, delusions of optimism.
2:54 pm - Exit from exit interview feeling like a pussy, despite having covered all of my arguments.
3:23 pm - Goodbye cake time--German chocolate. Entire company (all 11 people) gathers in/near the kitchen to share gooey dessert.
3:24 pm - Phone rings. Everyone pointedly ignores it (it's CAKE time!). I wait for it to go through auto-attendant and ring back at reception. I put down my cake and answer the goddamn phone.
3:27 pm - Customer walks in. No one moves to help her. I put down cake again.
3:31, 3:34 and 3:39 pm - Phone rings. Everyone munches on cake. I reluctantly head toward my desk to answer the call. Company president/CEO comments how funny it is that I have to take time out of my goodbye party to answer calls. I refrain from kicking him in the balls.
3:44 pm - I finally finish my piece of cake.
3:45 pm - Everyone disperses and returns to work.
3:46 pm - I hate them all.
5:30 pm - I'm so outta here.

daily dose of irony

Ladies and gentlemen: Bigots for Bigotry.