Holy social conservatism, Batman!

Hold on to your snazzy pleather underpants, people—my head is (once again) about to explode.

Feeling powerful and legally relevant after its victory pushing (and passing) the state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage in Virginia (but not really), the Family Foundation has crossed off “withhold rights from unmarried couples” from its list of resolutions and moved on to “withhold rights from married couples who want to become unmarried.” Confused?

[The Family Foundation] will lobby the General Assembly this year to amend the state's long-standing no-fault divorce law, which essentially allows a husband or wife to terminate a marriage without cause.

The foundation is advocating "mutual consent divorce" for couples with children, which would require a husband and wife to agree to divorce before a marriage can be legally terminated, except in certain instances, such as abuse or cruelty. The proposed legislation would not affect childless couples.

"Right now, one spouse can unilaterally end [the marriage], and not only is their spouse unable to stop the divorce, their abandonment does not preclude them from having custody of their child," said Victoria Cobb, president of the Family Foundation. "When we send a message that one can up and leave their family and have no consequence, the Old Dominion is encouraging divorce."

I can’t make it past the second sentence without having to close my eyes and take a few deep, calming breaths. Why, why, WHY would this ever be a good idea? For the sake of my blood pressure, I’m going to limit my exposure to such radioactive stupidity. The Family Foundation is assuming that:

1. Living with miserably married parents is better for children than living with divorced, perhaps still slightly miserable, but nevertheless happier than being miserable with their ex-spouse parents.
2. The spouse that ends the marriage is the bad guy and wants to ‘abandon’ familial responsibility as well as their spouse.
3. Everyone’s main reason for NOT wanting a divorce is related to preserving the wellbeing of the children.
4. Abuse is only abuse if it leaves a visible mark.

Discuss.

Grad schools in other states are looking more and more appealing every day.

right almost part of the time

In this spirit of almost nearly viable accuracy, here are my predictions for 2007. (Please note that the underlined portions of my predictions are interchangeable with one or all of the following):

1. Britney Spears/ Paris Hilton/ Laura Bush will go anorexic, deny an obvious addiction to blow, and fall into the dark abyss of pantylessness.

2. The stock market/ your weight/ the value of morality will plummet/ explode/ remain disappointing.

3. George W. Bush will say something incredibly stupid at a press conference/ the United Nations Annual Potluck/ afternoon tea and will consequently make a lifelong enemy of North Dakota/ Turkmenistan / Concerned Women for America.

4. The Chicago Cubs/ Detroit Tigers/ Assumption College Greyhounds will win the World Series against the Yankees.

5. Simon Cowell will say unforgivably mean things to American Idol contestants/ finally succumb to his burning sexual attraction to Randy Jackson/ go anorexic, deny an obvious addiction to blow, and fall into the dark abyss of pantylessness.

6. Women’s pant sizes will shrink further leading to nationwide mall riots/ a massive increase in female suicide rates/ widespread pantlessness.

7. The US government will recall US troops/ chickpeas/ civil rights because of a contamination of 2008 election jitters/ e.coli/ evil.

here's hoping this year is less retarded

Happy New Year, everyone! If you're anything like me, the absence of workplace boredom over the past week has rendered you somewhat disconnected from the depressing world of internet news. Well, here's something to bring you back down to earth. In case you need a little prompting, here's an excerpt you won't be able to resist:

Earlier this month, Baker conceded that the Muslims probably aren't after his land, but he said he had to go through with the pig races because "I would be like a total idiot if I didn't. I'd be the laughingstock now because I've gone too far."

Let's hope Texas renews its new year's resolution to secede from the Union. Yee-HAW!