eulogy

These past few days we have been sorting through Grandpa's office, trying to make sense of his filing system. During this long and arduous task we discovered numerous old car insurance forms, countless family photographs, some of his gradeschool report cards as well as several packs of gum. (Wrigley's Doublemint, in case you were wondering.) From these treasures several things have become quite clear:

First, they say that JFK was possibly the most photographed man in United States history. Well, I beg to differ and we have the pictures to prove it. It seems Grandpa had propagandists of his own and he beats Kennedy hands down.

Second, the world may never know exactly how many cars this man has owned. So if you're curious, add this to your list of questions to ask the Powers That Be, whenever you may get there.

And finally, by far the most revealing discovery was his first grade report card. From this report card we learned that Grandpa was "inclined to mischief," "whispered too much," and most of all "annoyed others." Now, although 1936 was way before my time, this is exactly how I remember him. We took him to the top of the tower at the Mason museum in Alexandria and he threw his gum at a woman in the parking lot below. He tormented every would-be suitor who unwittingly wandered into his lair for a family dinner. He pushed everyone he could into the pool. He blew tapioca-ball missiles out of a straw at passing vehicles on a busy Chicago street. Instead of saying "I love you" he crushed your hand, shoulder, knee, foot and/or neck into pulp with his giant paws. He played the fifteen minute version of "Rescue the Perishing" on the trombone--loudly and badly. And over and over. He devised numerous schemes to give us money before we parted at the end of a visit: sneaking cash into pockets or purses, hiding it under bed pillows, tricking naive grandchildren into rolling down the car window at the last minute before he dashed into the airport--and his favorite method--just mashing it right into your hand. HARD. Once, I had to forcibly remove him from a reception at my university because he was winding up to throw hot hors d'oeuvres at the Dean's head.

Now, supposedly a person only likes to bother the people he or she really loves. From this we might assume that he loved almost everyone he ever came into contact with, and this might well be true. But he annoyed us, his friends and family, most of all because he loved us most of all. Every time he snuck up beside you to push, squeeze or crush you he was saying "I love you" and "I like you" and also "look how hard I can push, squeeze or crush you." This, if nothing else, is his legacy. He loved us and he truly delighted in annoying us all. And at least in retrospect, we all found it funny.

So, as the years pass by and our family grows, I implore you--though you may remember his good deeds and loyal care and loving heart, do not let these things cloud your memory of him. Do not forget how he annoyed you, for this is evidence of how much he loved all of us, and that is the most important thing. In fact, we should try to annoy each other as much as possible in honor of him and the love he had for us. Forget flowers or donations or headstones--if you really want to do something meaningful, drop by the house and push someone in the pool.

All joking aside, he was the best grandfather anyone could ever wish for and I know that he was a great father as well because he gave my brothers and me a great mother. We love him and we know what love is because of him.

We will miss him always.

--Pastor Robert Dean Ditmer died on Tuesday, 21 June 2005 and is buried in Eureka Christian Church cemetery near his hometown of St. Johns, Michigan.

bastards in brotherhood

Which is worse--a President who's a MORON or a governor who's an ASSHOLE?

Amazonian shame

Whenever you select a product on amazon.com, a search engine pulls up more products and/or websites that you, as a customer, might be interested in based on your current product choice. While doing some research for a works cited page I came across a book titled Korean American Women by Young I. Song and Ailee Moon. Here is a selection from the Book Description section: "Twenty-one selections examine the collective experience and Western feminist issues from minority feminist perspectives. The content is interdisciplinary and raises many thought-provoking, seldom-discussed issues. This book will be of interest to students and faculty in sociology, feminist and women's studies, ethnic studies, and Asian studies." Pretty heavy stuff.

However, scroll down a bit and you will find the following under the section titled "Customers interested in Korean American Women may also be interested in…"

Batman's beginning

The Caped Crusader--before he lost the will to dance.

like a fox

Yesterday Fox’s Neil Cavuto sat down with President Bush to discuss an array of topics that included Social Security reform, energy issues and the Michael Jackson trial. One thing they did NOT discuss: the war in Iraq. When asked about it by fellow news anchor John Gibson, Cavuto stated that the topic just did not come up.

The war. The news reporter didn’t bring it up. Please stand back while my head explodes.

1. I understand that this is FOX NEWS and not the friggin’ BBC, but come on! What worthwhile reporter gets a one-on-one sit-down with the PRESIDENT and doesn’t bring up the WAR? Yes, this is Fox and they’re retarded. Yes, they’re conservative and blindly loyal to the Bush administration. Yes, they probably had to agree that they wouldn’t bring up the war in order to get this interview—but at least they should admit it! Why does their news organization think it’s better to say ‘oh, well, gosh it just didn’t come up’? MO-rons!

Other things that bothered me about this interview:

2. When asked about the possible terrorist cell uncovered in California this week, Bush predictably replied: “The best way to protect America is to keep on the offense and bust up these terrorist networks overseas by doing two things: one, committing our troops and intelligence services to the task, and also spreading freedom.” Maybe if he keeps repeating this phrase it will eventually make sense to someone.

3. He went on to say, “And that's what the American people need to know, that when we find any hint about any possible wrongdoing or a possible cell, that we'll follow up — by the way, honoring the civil liberties of those to whom we follow up. In other words, we're just not going to pick up the telephone and listen to somebody without a proper court order. That's protecting the civil liberties of Americans.” Wow, it’s comforting to know that they’ll go through the trouble of obtaining a court order to tap your phones before they break into your home at 3AM and haul you off for an extended stay at the Gitmo Inn. Just like a waaarm blanket.

4. When asked about rising gas prices, Bush pushed his desire for a domestic energy bill: “And I understand why gasoline prices are going up, and that is because we're dependent upon foreign sources of energy… We haven't had a national energy plan for years. And as a result, we're dependent.” Oh God. I know that numbers and charts probably get him all flustered and sweaty, but could someone please draw him a nice picture or use matchbox Nascars to explain to him that there aren’t enough energy resources ANYWHERE to solve this whole dependency issue? The Saudis control what everyone needs. Period. And they’re bastards. Period.

5. And finally, this is not a point of contention regarding policy—just an interesting slip on someone’s part. Bush: “And the [Social Security] problem exists because Baby Bombers like me are getting ready to retire,…”

Who else needs a beer?

dream job

I applied back in February, got a call for an interview in April, I snuck out of work one week into my new job in order to go to the interview, I've been calling them every week since, and today I called to find out that FOUR MONTHS LATER they've dropped a letter in the mail telling me that I was close, but no cigar.

The thing is, I knew it was a long shot from the get-go. I was wishful but not optimistic. Excited but realistic. But I haven't been able to commit to my current job or even a gym in my work area because this too-good-to-be-true possibility was hanging over my head. And now I'm disappointed. But I guess four months of hoping does that to a person.

Damn it.

public service announcement

The young woman in front of us at Target was wearing a tank top that didn't quite conceal her three back tattoos, blue and red plaid pajama bottoms and ladybug slippers. She bought:

A white shower puff
Bath soap
Tampax
A hammer and a box of 3-inch nails

I'm not sure why, but I have a suspicion that PMS has something to do with it.

Watch out, world.